*Tongue-in-cheek remark.
I spent the winter break in Colorado visiting with my brother and his family. My parents and younger brother flew out from New Jersey, so we had (almost) the entire Lyon pride together for Christmas, which was nice. While there the five adults (minus my sister-in-law, who was very pregnant at the time) decided that all five of us needed to take my niece Hannah to see The Princess and the Frog, or at least that’s the claim the menfolk made. But leave it to Disney to come up with an animated movie that keeps you up half the night thinking.
How many of us go through life kissing frogs? I confess to having kissed a few frogs (so to speak) in my time. And I’ve kissed a few princes too. So what’s the difference? Who’s the frog and who’s the prince? It only took me twenty-some-odd years, but I think I’ve finally figured it out. And even if I haven’t...humor me.
The problem goes deeper than frogs and princes. The real issue is that we expect magic, especially where love is concerned. It’s just supposed to happen. It’s supposed to be easy, a minimal effort endeavor. We’re supposed to be able to kiss our frog and have it transform into the prince(ss) we want it to be. But there is no magic in transformation. The only miracle we’ll find is in the miracle of the Atonement. And therein lies the key.
This week, in what I’m sure was an answer to prayer, we had a devotional that expanded upon the thoughts I’d been mulling over these past several months. The gist of the message was that relationships must be founded upon the Atonement in order to be successful. The speaker highlighted three things (the same three things I’d been thinking!) that every relationship needs: repentance, forgiveness, and responsibility. All three are motivated or made necessary by the Atonement. The first two are, I think, pretty self-explanatory: we need to repent of wrongdoings and change as necessary, and we need to allow others the same opportunity. We need the Atonement in order to be forgiven, but we also need it to forgive others of their wrongdoings and faults, especially when the wounds go too deep to heal on their own. That’s when we need to let the Savior take care of it ... and us.
It was the point about taking responsibility that left a lingering impression this time. I’ve thought a lot about responsibility and accountability. Like repentance and forgiveness, it too is motivated by the Atonement, but in a different sense.
And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given. – 2 Nephi 2:26
The Atonement makes us free. But with that freedom comes absolute personal accountability for our actions. We cannot blame our personal fallen state on Adam; the Savior paid the price for his transgression. We cannot blame our mistakes or poor choices on the mistakes or poor choices of others’; the Savior paid that price as well. Because we are one hundred percent free we are also one hundred percent responsible. Anyone inclined to blame his or her own actions on someone else does not truly understand the Atonement and as such denies him or herself the blessings of repentance and forgiveness. And that is a sad thing indeed.
What does any of this have to do with kissing frogs? Everything! Transformation isn’t magic; it’s repentance. The fact is, by virtue of who we are and our divine heritage, we are all princes and princesses, or at least we have the potential to become such. We become frogs when we choose to allow things other than the gospel and the Atonement to transform us, or when we convince ourselves that "magic", not the Atonement, will get us where we want to be.
This realization has made all the difference in how I look at dating and relationships. I don’t want to be a frog, and I’m tired of kissing them. For a long time I thought Mr. Right or Prince Charming or my Golden Fish or whatever you want to call him was just someone who was living his life right, someone talented and smart and funny, and it wouldn’t hurt if he were easy on the eyes too. I thought he needed to play the cello and the guitar, speak Italian and be a doctor. And I thought I needed to be all those things too. But what I’ve realized is that in the big picture, from an eternal perspective, those things don’t really matter. They’re nice, but not necessary, because we’ll have eternity to figure it out. In the end, we will be all those things, because our goal is to become like our Father in Heaven. But perfection comes only to those who truly understand the Atonement. And that’s really the crux of the whole thing.
So how do you tell a frog from a prince? For me it boils down to just a few things: does he understand the Atonement and the role that it plays in his life? None of the rest of it matters if he understands the principles upon which repentance and forgiveness and accountability are founded, and then has the humility to apply those principles in his life. Does he love the Lord? Does he love the Lord more than he loves me and is his commitment first and foremost to Him? If so, that is my Mr. Right, my Prince Charming, my Golden Fish. I’m not looking for or expecting perfection, just someone who knows that it takes more than magic and a kiss to get there.
Arriving at this understanding has been a long process of prayer and study. And I know that it’s more for my benefit than anything else; after all, finding the right person is really about being the right person, and I am far from perfect. Still, I’m grateful to know what I know, and for the faith that makes the future so bright. The best is yet to come.
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