“I'm a little pencil in the hands of God. He does the thinking. He does the writing. He does everything -- and it's really hard -- sometimes it's a broken pencil. He has to sharpen it a little more. But be a little instrument in His hands so that He can use you anytime, anywhere... We have only to say yes to Him.”
- Mother Theresa
I have a profound respect for these people. I have a profound respect for any man or woman who dedicates his or her life to a worthy cause, be it social, political, spiritual, or otherwise.
Over the years I’ve thought a lot about what I’ve termed the so-called “change the world complex.” I coined the phrase to describe the condition of never being content with simply existing, but rather needing to exist with or for a purpose. I’ve defined much of my life in terms of this condition, lofty dreams of changing the world and making it a better place. College brought my aspirations down to earth a little, but my first few years at Bryn Mawr were still an eclectic mess of classes and ideas as I tried to pinpoint exactly how I could best accomplish my purpose, which was – and is – to help people. I took several psychology and human development classes, thinking that I could become a guidance counselor, social worker, psychologist, or anything that dealt with helping people. Eventually I settled on teaching, and I haven’t wavered from that decision. True, I’m in graduate school right now, but only so I can become a better teacher. Gripe and complain as I may, deep down teaching is my passion, because people are my passion.
Shortly before I went on my mission my perspective on the whole “change the world complex” shifted a bit. What I realized is exactly what Mother Theresa understood so well: I am just the pencil. I don’t have the power to change anything. Any change for good that happens in the world comes in and through the power of the Atonement. In truth, the only power I have is the ability to choose to let God use me as the instrument He uses to bring about change and bless the lives of others. The scriptures in Alma 26:15-16 were not only the reason I decided to serve a mission, but they changed my entire outlook on life.
The difference between these perspectives may seem subtle, but is nonetheless significant. The pressure to “change the world,” especially when that pressure is self-imposed, can be a difficult thing to manage. Trust me, I know. Over the years, and even much more recently than that, its been easy to get down on myself for not doing or being enough. For some people, 2 Nephi 4 isn’t just a nice passage of scripture but is a constant struggle and daily reality. I realized not long ago, however, that this struggle stems from the expectations that I have for myself. I expect myself to change the world. Iexpect myself to be perfect. But in reality neither of these expectations are my responsibility, for it is ultimately the Atonement that accomplishes both. My only responsibility is to be the instrument God needs, when He needs it.
And so that is what I have dedicated and rededicated my life to: being the best instrument that I can be. If I expect to do God’s work alone, my efforts will always fall short. But if I strive to be and to become everything He needs and wants me to be so that through me He can accomplish His work, then that’s a different story. How exactly does one accomplish this? The same way the Savior did. I recently came across a scripture that I’ve added my list of scriptures that define me and my goals. It’s John 8: 29 and it reads: “And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.” And that is how it’s done.
I have a lot of thoughts on this particular subject, but unfortunately they're all as scattered as this post. I guess the moral of the story is this: just do your best, and God will make up the rest. All He asks is that we have a willing heart and mind. And that is a comforting thought.
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